It's not you, it's me. Why I spend most of my time alone.



I was lucky enough to go home to South Carolina for 3 weeks for the holidays. I live in California, and only get to go home twice a year. I was so excited to go home for that long of a visit. I missed my parents, my sisters and my friends so much. I knew with all that time at home I'd be able to see everyone I wanted to see, at least once. I arrived in Columbia with the biggest smile on my face. I was home. The first four days were so great. I had so much energy. I was getting to see people I hadn't seen in a long time. The trip was going as well as, maybe even better than, expected.

Then my body intervened. I guess I was doing too much. My energy was depleted, I was having pain in my uterus, lower back and right leg. My body was telling me to take it easy. I really wasn't doing very much compared to a healthy person's typical day, but it was a lot compared to my typical day. I was so disheartened. I had plans to do creative projects with my dad, clean out my old stuff from my parents' house, go to dinner with friends, go out for New Year's Eve, and enjoy time with my family and friends. I spent the majority of my time laying in a recliner at my parents' house. Trust me, I would rather be with my mom and dad laying around than home alone in my apartment in California laying around. I was just disappointed that I would be breaking plans and not getting to see everyone I wanted to see. I hated to spend my vacation doing exactly what I do every day in California, but it made me realize that my personality and physical limitations don't allow for a very social life right now.



I am an introvert, so I require time alone to recharge my battery. Having Endometriosis factors into my anti-social behavior. I hesitate to make plans because I never know how I'm going to feel when the time comes to do something. I hate to cancel plans, so I rarely make any. I live in a third floor apartment with no elevator. The stairs drain me, so I only leave to take my dog, Jobin out, or run errands, or go to class in San Francisco. Other than that, I am home alone. Well, I have Jobin, so I'm not really alone. My daily routine gets old and sometimes it can make me feel really down.

I don't intend for those reading this to feel sorry for me. I wrote this as an acceptance of the life I live. For now, not forever, I am required to rest and reserve my energy for the times that I need it. As I get healthier and learn to make the most of my life, the more social I will get. To those who I love and call family and friends, know that I want to see you. I want to spend time with you having fun, dancing, laughing, playing. One day I will feel better than ever and I intend to make up for lost time. Until then, just know, it's not you, it's me.





Yes to Cannabis

I never thought I'd be making the case for cannabis use, but I have seen the light. I want to share why I finally said yes to cannabis.
Being the rule-follower I am, I never tried marijuana in South Carolina because it was/is illegal. I accidentally ate a pot cookie at a party once, but it wasn't strong enough to affect me. That was it. No other marijuana intake. I had friends and family recommend I try cannabis to help with the chronic pain I suffered because of Endometriosis. My argument was always, "It's not legal."
Then I moved to California. I had surgery and a prescription for pain pills when I first moved out here. Neither method helped with my pain. My pain actually got worse after my surgery, and the pain pills caused constipation and made me feel terrible. I was desperate for pain relief.
At the end of August 2015, I was willing to try anything that would give me relief from my pain. In the past, natural treatments always gave me the best results, so I decided to give pot a chance. I got a medical cannabis certificate and headed to a dispensary.
I stuck out like a sore thumb. Initially, I was only interested in using cannabis oil that was high in CBD, with little to no THC. I was nervous about getting high. I like to be in control and I was afraid I would freak out if I got high. I started with cannabis oil and topical lotions. I graduated to a vape pen, still only using CBD oil. I noticed an improvement in my sleep and my pain was getting a little better. Then I tried edibles. At first I only tried the CBD edibles, still not wanting to get high. Those helped the most with my body pain.
After researching the different strains of cannabis, I decided to give Indica edibles a try. The Indica strain is great for body pain and gives you a mellow high. I tried it and I was sold. The Indica edibles helped the most with body pain, anxiety, and overall mood. I usually have a very therapeutic giggle fest when I have an edible, so that's almost reason enough to do it.
I don't have to worry about how the cannabis is going to affect my body. It's natural. My husband actually said, "I think medical marijuana might save our marriage." Meaning, I'm so much happier and less anxious now that I'm feeling better. My pain isn't as frequent as before. If I have a flare-up, I take an edible and I feel better. Sexual intercourse is the least painful it's ever been when I take an edible. That is a huge deal because sex is unbearable otherwise.
I have nothing negative to say about the effects cannabis has had on me. I know too many people that suffer from chronic pain, fatigue, anxiety, depression, PTSD, insomnia, seizures, cancer, you name it, that would benefit from being able to use cannabis. I truly hope that it becomes legal in all 50 states. For now, I'm grateful to live in a state where I have access to the most beneficial treatment method I've found. Cannabis makes Endometriosis tolerable, which allows me to live a better life. Yes to cannabis!

Elisabeth: The Endo Exception

The Endo Exception. This is a title I will not accept. I had to go to the doctor today because of severe pain in my pelvic area and lower back that was different than the pain I usually deal with in those areas. Normal ovulation pain occurs on one side of my uterus and it is a sharp pain. I generally have pain on the right side of my lower back that radiates down my right leg to the arch of my foot. This pain was different.
Yesterday, I began experiencing dull aches on both sides of my uterus and dull aches across my lower back. I was short of breath and light-headed and worried that I might pass out in my car on the way home from my trip to Target. I made it home, took a medical marijuana gummy and rested. The cannabis helped, but the pain returned when it wore off. I was unable to sleep because of the extreme back pain I was experiencing. I honestly can't remember the last time pain kept me awake. I called my doctor this morning and they were able to see me today.
I went to my appointment, had the usual vaginal ultrasound; which was extremely painful today. Everything looked fine. There was nothing out of the ordinary happening in my uterus. That should've made me feel better, right? Wrong. I always feel crazy when I go to the doctor with an issue, only to be told that everything looks good. My doctor is very kind. He said, "Don't think that this is in your head. It's like a pebble in your shoe or a piece of sand in your eye. Just because others can't see it, doesn't mean it's not causing you pain."
He recommended that I try a new hormone medication, but I am treating my disease as naturally as possible: diet, acupuncture, physical therapy and cannabis. I have used hormone therapy in the past and I have had adverse reactions to the treatments. I have taken opioids to help with pain management, but they did more harm than good.  I had surgery to remove 95% of the endometriosis that was visible in my body. However, the pain was more severe after the surgery. All of these methods made me feel worse. That made me feel crazy, too. I told my doctor today that I feel like I'm the exception to all the treatments that are supposed to help women in my condition. He agreed with me. He said that I am part of the 10-15% of women that undergo surgery and not experience relief from or improvement with their chronic pain, pain with intercourse, painful bowel movements, etc.
That's why I hesitate to try new treatments that aren't natural. I actually hesitate with one natural treatment method, as well: pregnancy. Almost everything that should help me hasn't. The last thing I want to do is bring a baby into this world with the expectation that it will make me feel better, only to have my endometriosis remain the same or get worse, and end up being unable to physically take care of my child.
I'm tired of being the exception to all of the endometriosis treatments I've tried. I will continue to attack this disease with natural methods, since they have been the most effective. I will continue to expect to one day feel better. I will continue to press on even when days like this try to bring me down. I will get better and live the life that a young woman should. No more living on my couch, saving energy for the few times I do anything social. I will one day be strong, energetic and busy making a joyful life for myself.
Thank you for reading. I needed to vent. Please contact me if you are in a similar situation or just want to talk.

The beginning - Marrying Matt Baker

April 1, 2011 - This was the day that I married Matt Baker. I was so excited to start my life with him. He was and is the smartest, funniest, most patient and loving man I've ever known. I couldn't wait to begin my life with him and to be the best wife to my best man. Little did I know, I had a health condition that would hinder me from fulfilling my wifely duties and desires.
     Matt and I had never had sexual intercourse before we were married; not with each other or anyone else. We were looking forward to our wedding night with excited anticipation. However, we were unable to consummate our marriage that night. It wasn't a big deal. We were both tired and worn out from our wonderful wedding. I knew we'd have plenty of opportunities on our honeymoon to make up for lost time. We spent our honeymoon at a resort in the Dominican Republic. It was a beautiful resort that communicated, "You should be resting and having sex right now." With no lack of trying, Matt and I were unable to consummate our marriage until April 7, 2011, 6 days after we got married. We finally did it, but it was painful. Not knowing anything different, I just thought sex would be painful until I got used to it.
     The pain continued long after our honeymoon ended. I started to fear being alone with my husband, because I was scared to have sex with him. It got to the point that I would shy away from his touch and find excuses to not be intimate. Matt thought I hated him. He thought I regretted marrying him. Our first year of marriage was extremely difficult, but we got through it. Fortunately, there was a "light" at the end of the tunnel. We would soon find out that there was a legitimate reason/issue that would make sense of all the struggles we encountered in our first year as husband and wife. We were about to embark on a long, difficult journey, but we were facing it together.

Our wedding day. Location: The Newberry Opera House Photographer: Lucas Brown